betterME Day 2 : toughest thing EVER :-(

betterME Day 2 : toughest thing ever 😦

Today’s challenge was supposed to be to do something I didn’t think I could or ever would do.  However that has been postponed until tomorrow.  As I’ve said in the explanation of betterME, part of this challenge was to make my life and relationships better.  There were goals about reconnecting with lost friendships, removing unhealthy relationships, making new relationships, and showing appreciation for existing ones.

An opportunity presented itself today to meet a friend I’ve not seen in many months that I’ll call “M”.   M and I have not really talked or seen each other in a while so a little history:

I’ve known this person for almost 4 years, but over the last 16 months, we got very close… twice.  Both times, M ended up getting close then suddenly creating distance.  After that happend the first time there was a month or so lapse where we didn’t talk.  Then we started hanging out again last summer and the cycle started again though this time we got even closer.  Things seemed to be going well, progressing slowly over 6 months but then poof, M stopped talking without explanation or reason.  6 weeks or so passed and then M broke the silence and I thought about reconnecting for what would be the 3rd time.

Those of you that truly know me, know that I am one of the most loyal people around.  I always choose to see the good in people and I honestly believe that everyone is good.  I forgive and forget and I always give a 2nd chance, sometimes 3rd and 4th chances.  Perhaps this is a fault.  I think sometimes it is.  I guess they do say that even a strength can at times be a weakness, correct? Perhaps I’m too loyal and too forgiving as it lets many people take advantage of me and my feelings and walk all over me.  I can’t stay mad at someone, I’m quick to forgive, easy to heal,  and I don’t hold grudges.

Perhaps it’s not so much a fault as it is me trying to find a balance of when to hold on and when to let go.  I’ve never let go before, because I pride myself so much on being a people person and treasuring that loyalty and ability to forgive.  In my mind, letting go is admitting that I can’t completely forgive & forget and admitting that someone intentionally hurt me.. admitting that someone doesn’t view me the same way I view them.  I guess in my mind I equate that with being a failure.

So there I sat, thinking what I would say and wondering how awkward it would be.  I always thought the first time I saw M again I’d want to ask so many questions about why and how, desperately seeking information, explanations, reasons, and motives.  30 minutes of idle chat passed and to M it was if nothing had ever happened, no remorse, no explanation.. then suddenly I just sighed, looked and quietly explained that the time had come for us to move on and to forget.. not deeds, actions, or mistakes.. but to forget each other.

WTF? Somewhere mid conversation I realized I couldn’t do this to myself again.  I just couldn’t go through with it.  I couldn’t pretend nothing had happened and I couldn’t pretend all was ok.  Where did that come from?  I suddenly realized that someone I valued was not the person I thought they were and in reality they were not someone I needed in my life.

As my voice shook, I quietly and timidly explained that it was best that we never talk or see each other again.  As hard as it was, I chose to release this person from my life. It’s the first time I’ve ever done anything like that.  Do I feel bad?  Yup! Totally and completely but in a way it is kind of a relief to know it’s done, to know that I don’t have to pretend I wasn’t hurt, to pretend that I wasn’t still holding out hope of a reconciliation. I wished M well in life, said bye, and quietly walked away.  Do I feel like a failure?  Well, yeah, kinda, in a way.  But that’s ok with me cuz I have to accept that I’m going to make mistakes and no matter how hard I try or how much I invest in someone, it’s not always going to work out.  And there are times where even though you wish so hard for something to be so good, in reality, it’s really so bad.

Now it’s done and it’s in the past and it’s time to move on.  For the first time in my life, I’ve completely let go of something I truly valued.  In the end I realized that even that great value couldn’t protect me from the fact that this relationship was unhealthy for me, my life, and my future, and always would be no matter the terms.

You see the lesson learned is this : Never make someone your priority when they make you an option.

As much as I never wanted to admit it, all I was to M was an option and I’m not even sure I was the 2nd or 3rd option.  It’s not an easy thing to admit, and certainly not an easy thing to act on.  We all want to believe we are as important to others as they are to us and sadly that isn’t always true.

I knew heading into betterME that I would have to make some hard choices.  I’ve always put other people first, most times even above and beyond my own needs and feelings.  For once, I did something for me and as painful as it was I know it was the right thing to do.. for me.  But will it stick?  Will I be honest with myself and try to find a balance of when and how much to invest in someone and when to cut my losses? Or will I fall back into my own cycle and continue to make people a priority even when I know I’m not theirs?

Stay tuned… To be continued….

As always, your thoughts, comments, and own experiences are welcome, even if you think I’m a ass for doing this.


2 Responses to “betterME Day 2 : toughest thing EVER :-(”

  1. Keith! I’m so proud

  2. Good for you Keith! You took control of this relationship and made the decision to respect yourself enough to stand up for yourself!!! You should be proud even though I know it doesn’t feel food now, it will in a few days. Also, I think you took out 2 birds with 1 stone. This isn’t something you would or thought you could do!

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